All God's Chillun

I was watching Cold Case on CBS last night. This is one of my favorite shows, but since they moved it last season to compete directly with Desperate Housewives, the gals on Wisteria Lane won out, so I'm trying to catch the repeats. (Next season my little dilemma will get even worse, when the original Law & Order is brought back in January opposite both of these other favorites. Even though I'm sick of seeing so-called professional women showing all their cleavage (like Detective Ed Green's new female partner), I still enjoy enjoy the original of the franchise.

Anyway, on Sunday's Cold Case, I noticed an interesting subplot involving an affair between a fortyish, chubby white detective and a black woman who has a teenage son. The episode featured a poignant conversation between the detective and the woman's son. I'd obviously missed a few episodes and had no idea how long this has been going on. (Anyone who watches this show regularly knows that race plays a fairly prominent role; I've seen numerous episodes involving interracial romance in the past cases present-day detectives solve, occurring long before it was semi-accepted (and, of course, someone ended up dead), usually involving white men and black women. The little scenes the writers put in about the detective's private lives every now and again usually bore me (although I think it's a nice twist that the black detective enjoys country music), and the white woman's private life seems a little frightening.

Anyway, I tried to find out some more info about this little romance. I didn't find out, but I did come across this essay about interracial romance. I found it to be hysterically funny, and definitely not for the faint of heart or the easily offended. It's from a web site called FiyaStarter.com and addresses the acceptability factor among the various races and genders, in reverse order:

Enjoy, but don't say I didn't warn you that it's a tad raunchy.

10. Asian woman/white man

The John Lennon is by far the easiest IR to pull off. Lots of white guys have a fetish for the petite and mystical Asian puss, and lots of Asian women have a thing for absolutely immersing themselves in Western culture and leaving behind any trace of a heritage that can't be seen in their facial features. In fact, it is becoming increasingly infrequent in major metropolitan areas to see a young Asian woman walking down the street with a young Asian man. Our society doesn't seem to mind this combo very much, if at all.

Proponents: Asian Woman and their status-seeking parents. Opponents: Single Asian Men with a sense of pride. Asian women who haven't found their white guy yet.

Acceptance Probability: 90.3%


9. Latina/White Man

Right on the heels of The Lennon is The Penelope Cruz. The hot and spicy Latina has long been the favorite "exotic" beauty for the white man. The Latina has all the facial features of the white woman and what they lack in co-dependency, they more than make up for with their bigger and firmer breasts and asses. So, the appeal for white guys is clear. As for the women, it's the standard reason...standards.

Proponents: Latinas and their status-seeking parents. Opponents: Single Latin Men with a sense of pride. Territorial white women. Angry Elderly Latinos who know Southern California is Mexico.

Acceptance Probability: 85.2%

8. White Woman/Latino

The Ricky Ricardo is surprisingly well-received by the American people. White women love the Latin lover and the Latin lover loves anything that's breathing. This relationship allows white women who are not attracted to the blandness of white men to have a relationship with men of another race, while still giving birth to children that will look like Freddie Prinze Jr.
Proponents: White women, White parents who are just happy it wasn't a black guy. Opponents: Poor White Men.

Acceptance Probability: 82.4%

7. Black Woman/Latino

Does anyone ever really bat an eye when they see The Carlos Santana? It makes perfect sense that the two most stereotypically oversexed types of human beings would hook-up. Black women get to have their kids with the good hair, while Latinos get to be in a relationship with a fiery women who might give them a lot of backtalk, but will stop way short of stabbing them.
Proponents: Black Women who like “good hair.” Latinos who like big booties. Opponents: White women who lust after Latinos. Black Men who just wanna hit it one good time.

Acceptance Probability: 81.8%

6. Latina/Black Man

The compromise with Sistas can be a tough trick to pull off if handle poorly. Recently, a rising young black actor Derek Luke made the mistake of marrying a fair-skinned Latina with too many Caucasian features. Sistas ain’t having it. You gotta be smart, like Will Smith, who has often selected olive-skinned Latin beauties like Salma Hayek and Eva Mendes and has barely heard a peep from the Sistas. Sistas generally don’t accept Latinas who are lighter than Vanessa Williams or Mariah Carey. Meanwhile the hottest Latina on the planet right now, Eva Longoria, is getting poked by a brotha. This hookup is known as The Kobe.

Proponents: Latinas, Black men. Opponents: Elderly Latins, Black women.

Acceptance Probability: 74.8%

5. Black Man/Asian Woman

The Dumb Nigga In The Military or The Wesley is an extremely unique case, as it garners no significant hate from any faction other than the Asian community. It seems that many Asians believe marrying a black man is the ultimate show of disrespect by an Asian female for herself and her race.
Proponents: Asian women who actually enjoy sex, Black men, young Asian male siblings seeking street cred, Black women who are just happy the bitch ain't white. Opponents: The vast majority of Asians, White guys with an Asian fetish.

Acceptance Probability: 72.7%

4. Asian Man/Black Women

I know what you’re thinking, but The Romeo Must Die or The Jet Li is not so far-fetched. Plenty of Sistas and Asian guys share a mutual attraction that often goes unspoken. Just because we don’t see it a lot that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You can expect big things from this combination in the coming years, as many Sistas who absolutely refuse to date white boys make the compromise to try something else.
Proponents: Status-seeking Asian parents, Asian male siblings seeking street cred, Black women who want their kids to have good hair. Opponents: Black women who looooove sex, Black men who just wanna hit it.

Acceptance Probability: 72.2%

3. Asian Man/White Woman

Now The Bruce Lee is very tough to get a read on, because many Asian moms seem to want their sons to marry within the race, while they don’t so much mind when the daughter brings home a white guy. Strange. Also, this couple seems to get a lot of heat from insecure white guys who don’t understand why a white woman would date men who are supposedly less hung than they are.
Proponents: Asian men who want to be recognized as sexual beings, White women who love hairless lean guys. Opponents: White guys with little dicks.

Acceptance Probability: 70.1%

2. Black Woman/White Man

This one is gaining steam. Twenty years ago, no one could have predicted The Whoopie would be seen so much on the streets. Hell, they’re even making movies about it (Something New). Halle Berry, black men’s beauty icon for the better part of a decade, is now dating a white guy. Tennis queens Venus and Serena Williams exclusively juggle green balls on the court and white balls in the bed. Obviously, this combination annoys black men and white women the most. Black men are used to being perceived as the only kinda man that can really handle a black woman’s attitude. Little did they realize financial security and/or social status are the keys to keeping Sistas quiet. And white women can’t believe a white man would find a beauty so unlike their won to love (dumb ass bitches).

Proponents: Black parents who love their daughters and want them to be happy, white male siblings who want street cred. Opponents: Black people who only see images of Massa raping every black female slave on the plantation. White parents who love their sons, but love their social status even more. White women are value being perceived as the standard of female beauty.

Acceptance probability: 58.2% 1. White Woman/Black Man

This is the granddaddy of them all, The Quincy Jones. It’s as American as racism itself, receiving hate from all sides. It’s built on the kind of lustful curiosity that can only be described as…”fucking hot.” Very rarely is this combination about love. Even when it is based on love, the Mandingo-colored images of yesterday tend to cloud everyone’s view. History dictates that you have no choice but to be skeptical of this combo. It cuts right to the bone of race in America…kinda like OJ did.
Proponents: White Women who loooove sex. Black men who want to hump away history. Opponents: Pretty much everybody.

Acceptance Probability: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Nah, bout 47.1%)